Week 35: ME & Fear (Member Photos)
Denise Laurinaitis - I was 6 years old when my father died. I don't remember him much, but I do remember the loss and I do remember seeing my mom sitting in the corner of the kitchen floor, curled in a ball, in tears. Since then, I fear abandonment. I fear being left behind. I fear loneliness. But most of all, I fear losing the person dearest to me, and whenever I give in to these fears, I curl up on my kitchen or bathroom floor just like I saw when I was 6. One day I hope to break that spiral, and each day I'm happy to say I'm a little closer.
Tausha Coates - I spend far too much time thinking about my worries and fears. I imagine it will be a life long endeavor for me to try to let my faith conquer all my fears.
Vivien Stembridge - Death. I'm terrified of it. It's constantly on my mind. People have told me that a fear of death is mostly a fear of living. No- I fear death itself. I love my life. The fear and anxiety get worst when all is quiet at night. I lie awake in bed, asking myself the questions that are impossible to answer. What happens when we die? Do we go somewhere from here or is this all there is? If we all die, then what is the point of this crazy human charade of daily life inwhich we pretend that it won't happen to us?I'm seeing a therapist to help me cope with my fear and anxiety. And I've really gotten much better already. But death is always right behind me, following me wherever I go. http://vivienstembridge.com
Kalen DeRoo - I don't think I realized just how many fears I have until I started brainstorming this subject. I have never had so many different ideas for a theme before. But, I narrowed it down to one... I'm not sure it's my biggest, but it's up there with the rest of them. I touched on this on Nicole's post, but my choice of Fear would be the fear of losing my husband. So many people we know who appear to have had really long & strong relationships are getting divorced. I'm sure behind closed doors there was a lot leading up to the moment, but to the public eye, it really seems to come out of nowhere. We think they're really happy, they have all of their sh*t together, and here we are kind of breezing through it. I mean, we have our ups and downs like every couple, but we haven't had a moment so bad we couldn't mend it. My fear is the unknown. Is God's plan for us to be together forever?? I fear someday my husband won't be my constant. I come from a broken family... my parents had an extremely unstable relationship. I have always struggled with trust because of my father &, although I trust my husband as much as I physically can, I see so many broken marriages lately that I have a hard time trusting it won't happen to us someday, too.
Jenny Parker - This week has been particularly rough with our 2 month old daughter. She started screaming and crying often when I nursed her. At first, I was angry and frustrated, I just wanted her to eat. Just eat. And then as it got worse and she refused to eat, I felt helpless, worthless and scared. I am tired and I am still mourning the loss of my dad, more than I thought I would. I started having terrible thoughts; why won’t she shut up, I don’t want to be a parent to this child, I am going to walk out the door and not look back. I became fearful of these thoughts, what if in a moment of weakness or craziness, I said something terrible or worse, I hurt her? She and I were both crying so much, my mom asked me if I would ever hurt myself or my children. Wow! That was the slap in the face that I needed to snap out of it. My dad was a proponent of positive thinking. He’d say, “think positively and positive things will happen.” I want to remember how fearful I was and how important positive self-talk and self-control are. After trying lots of things and hearing lots of opinions from aunts and grandparents and the internet and lots of talking with the doctor, Miss Carson really needed to poop (although she’s not constipated). Her bowels are not in good working order yet, but I am happy to report, she is nursing like a champ, tooting less often and has pooped 2 days in a row!
Elena Pendell - My son, William, has Down syndrome and every year before school starts, the fear of sending him out into the world takes over. You see, males with intellectual disabilities are 50% more likely to be sexually or physically abused.(it's even worse for females) In fact people with disabilities have the highest rate of personal violence of any group in society. William can't tell me if anyone was mean to him or hurt him or even if his personal needs were not met. He can't tell me if a teacher treats him poorly or if a kid picks on him at recess. I have to send him off to a group of people - some I know well and some I barely know - and just trust that they will have his best interests at heart. For his whole life I will have to trust others to help care for him. It is completely terrifying. www.monkeyandbuddy.blogspot.com
Trish Reschly - I feel like the last several years there have been so many fears that assailed my very soul. Very difficult moves, loss of babies, illness that I didn't know if I would make it through and the hardships that put on my beloved husband who bore them without complaint.
When my fears hit the breaking point, it is always and only God that can bring relief to my embittered soul. I hold my grandmother's bible. It is a linage of faith. I hope that my children, too, will find a sort of rest and calm in the midst of their fears.
Jennifer L. Bruce - After a terribly difficult week, I decided to take a lighthearted approach to this week's subject. Really! I have always been a horror fan. From Scooby Doo in my early years to lesser-known films that most folks have never heard of (and probably wouldn't watch). Fear takes on many forms, both rational and irrational, physical, supernatural... here I am playing with an actual fear of mine: the campground toilet. I risk a real-life panic attack just thinking about the deep, dark, stinking hole of those campground toilets. Specifically, dropping my young daughter while she is trying to use one. [Shiver] I am beyond cautious around these things, but I didn't mind getting down and dirty to showcase that fear in a humorous way. But believe me, the fear is real.
Emily Ingalls - I have a fear of failure. It's rooted so deep inside me it holds me back from pursuing things in my life. I never want to fail anyone or myself. I know failure is a lesson learned. I know I cannot learn without trying and failing first. However, knowing and doing are two different things. I need to push back on my fear and face it straight on, but I have an inexplicably hard time doing that. I grapple with it in my head all the time. I know it has a hold on me, and I'm trying to peel it off. www.emilyingallsphotography.com
Briar Marie - I still find myself in tears over the loss of my grandmothers 17 and 20 years after I lost them. There was the obvious pain from the loss of two women that I was incredibly close with, but there is something else underlying that grief. And it is fear in every way. While the grief has softened, the fear has grown with time. Witnessing and being part of the grief of their children, my parents and my aunts and uncles, was intense. I am marked by it still. Seeing all of these strong and stable adults in my life just broken and overwhelmed by their own grief has shaped my response to grief. And it has left me terrified of losing my own parents. They are SO close to the same ages that their Moms were when they lost them. And toughest of all, I know that no matter what I do, I will lose them. I cannot stop them from dying, they will die. I pray that it is long from now, but there is nothing I can do to influence it. I can only take pictures to preserve the image of them along with my memories of them. It sounds so lame, but I know I will cherish it when it is all I have left. I am fearful for a day that is guaranteed to find me.
Christine Wright - I had a dream last night that was hard to shake off this morning. I don't normally have nightmares, but this could be classified as one. I dreamed I was losing my husband and three kids. It was never made clear the why of it, just that the four of them were leaving me behind.Spiders were once my biggest fear, but I've realized it's become the fear of losing this little tribe I've helped make. I really don't know what I would do without them. This is all somewhat ironic as my whole life, I adamantly declared to anyone who would listen that I would never have kids and would never get married. Now I can't live without the people I always believed I didn't want.
